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I’m Going Back To Rehab This Summer

I’m going back to rehab this summer. I don’t know why since I know I’ll just relapse in the fall.
I always relapse in the fall.
Something about the changing leaves and Halloween decorations they start selling in the stores. You know, when they start putting pumpkins outside for sale. That’s usually about the time I relapse.
I’m not going to tell you what I’m addicted to, so stop asking.
Just know it’s serious enough for me to go to rehab. Not by choice though. If it were my choice I’d never come off the shit. The court is making me go. Rehab isn’t all bad, I’ve met some really interesting people in rehab. But the worst part about rehab for me is I sit around all these fucks who are trying to get clean and here I am counting down the days when I’m not court ordered to show up. When I can “start going by my own free will” like it’s going to happen or something.
I am a drug addict.
I am a lifeless, selfish, yet hard working, All American, grade A, top shelf, born true, drug induced infection.
And I love every minute of it.
I am going back to rehab this summer. I might hate it, I might not. It’ll be substandard compared to what the fall holds for me though.
Which is more drugs.
I’ll be back at rehab this summer. I don’t know why the court keeps sending me here, because even they know I’m just going to relapse in the fall.
_____________________
- A drug addict.

02.20.13 ♥ 3
There He Is Again.

But, I mean, there he was. He was all posted up against the wall of that convenience store like he always was. Cigarette freshly lit, hat backwards. I’d seen him there every single goddamn day on my way to get coffee. Of course I went to talk to him that day. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. How he was just always there. Did he ever go anywhere?
So, here’s this guy, no, this kid. He couldn’t have been a day over 19. So, I post up next to him, right? I light my own cigarette. He doesn’t even care that I’m there. We get to talking. He sounds younger than he looks, which by his standards was probably a bad thing.
He tells me his house burned down. I ask him if he did it. He kind of hesitates and then tells me a neighbor kid set his house on fire. I think that might have been his cover up. I tell him fire’s a tragedy. He tells me it’s fascinating how much it can destroy.
I don’t know if I like him or not.
I tried to make light conversation, asked him about his job, about school. He told me there was just nothing out there for him. That he spent most of his time here.
Of course, on this side of town the convenience store had a strict no tolerance policy about kids like him just hanging around smoking cigarettes all day. I didn’t want to get the kid in trouble but I was curious about his living situations. I thought maybe he worked there. Instead of asking him myself I walked back into the store and addressed the employee behind the counter.
I said, ma’am, you’re aware of the young man that hangs around your store all day? She didn’t seem to know what I was talking about. Obviously, you couldn’t see him from the front as he was always leaned against the side of the store.
Well, surely you’ve seen him. I said to her calmly. He’s here every single day. Night and day. I look for him every time I drive by, every time I stop in here for a cup of coffee or a lottery ticket. I’m just curious if he works here or something.
She doesn’t respond at all, only looks at me as if I were nuts. Look, I say to her, my patience already waning, he’s there now. I’ll show you.
She reluctantly follows me along to the side of the store where he is. Where he always is. Just leaned against the brick wall with a cigarette and one hand in his front pocket.
She tells me that there is no one there. She tells me if I bother her or any of her customers again she will be forced to call the authorities.
I tell her surely she is mistaken. That surely, she is in on some elaborate prank. She only scoffs at me and then tells me to go home and rest. We talk no more and she goes back into the store, back to work.
I turn to the boy who is still there. What’s happening to me? I ask him.
He just sort of shrugs his shoulders and tells me to drive carefully, it’s going to rain later.
—————————————

Fiction. Narrator in my mind is a business man. It’s 3:30 in the morning. Expect more of these snippets.

01.30.13 ♥ 0
My Problem With Macklemore

I keep having to tell people and I’m sure it’s getting pretty obnoxious, but Macklemore is a huge fucking asshole.

For those of you that don’t know who Macklemore is (although you probably do because everyone knows who he is because he’s a giant fucking sellout) he is a white, currently 29 year old, independent rapper who has been around for a while but he recently rose to fame because he likes to rap about gay rights and make funny and catchy songs about thrift shopping.

While all of that is fine and well, there’s nothing wrong with gay rights and thrift shopping, but my loathing for this man came about this summer when I had the grand opportunity to meet him.

To make it brief, he was a goddamn doucher.
Not just to me. He was being an asshole to literally everybody.

When I approached him and very kindly said, “Hey man! Great show!” he looked at me right in the eyes without a smile and just goes, “I know.”

Now, you can call me biased all you want but a few months back I was having a bit of a chit-chat with a merch guy who often goes on the road and does merch for all kinds of underground hip hop artists. I brought up my incident with Macklemore and he only shakes his head and tells me he’s been dealing with that assclown of a dick Macklemore for a long time. Claims Macklemore is extremely cocky and a lot of people inside the industry have the sneaking suspicion his raps about rights and things people really want to hear, not entirely because he believes in them, but more so to gain popularity and money.

I was pretty shocked to hear this coming from this merch guy that I’ve met at different rap shows multiple times. I believe him all the way, after meeting the guy and just getting the cockiness vibe out of him was clearly enough for me to say I’m no fan of his.

Ryan Lewis is a whole different story though. I can have respect for Ryan Lewis, who was an extremely friendly guy. Macklemore though, sorry, I know you think your shit doesn’t stink, when really it stinks worse than everyone elses.

Fuck you.

01.22.13 ♥ 0
Stuff That Is On My Mind

So I never saw the Spongebob movie. Or the Hey Arnold movie. What is wrong with me?

Also, I just want nothing more than to walk along some railroad tracks with my iPod just to see how far I could go. Obviously, this is unrealistic because that would mean that I would have to walk back, and I am just not doing that.
Still, it’d be interesting to see how far I could go one way before it got unbearable.

Can I just point out how FUCKING proud of myself I am that I know where all 50 states are on a map. I feel like really stupid about a lot of things a lot of the time so it makes me feel really awesome when I can just silently, in my head, stop someone and think, “No. West Virginia is NOT right there, you complete and total moron.”

Weddings are weird and so is love. I think everyone can agree with this. Like, I know everyone’s ridiculous definition of love is like “when your feet and your stomach get all fuzzy eeeehehehehe” or, “when it’s like, everything is like, so good k” oh and, “when you look at dere eyes and dere eyes are like hey i love u.”
No. Those mushy, metaphorical descriptions are not good enough for me. I want a real definition.

I think streetlights would be way cooler if they had faces on them. Like, a red light could be an angry face. But I guess that wouldn’t make too much sense because not everyone hates red lights. Sometimes you need to get stuff from the backseat or stare harder at the guy twirling the sign for Timothy’s Ultra Subs Galore (not real) so I guess never mind at that idea.

Am I the only one in the universe that has a favorite letter???
It’s K.

Also, am I the only one in the universe that constantly has cold feet? I live in a cold climate, so Floridians probably don’t feel me, but unlike my ass, which is also always freezing, my feet don’t have a lot of meat on them. But they’re still so cold.

I like commas and run-on sentences.

Oh and, how do you know you actually might love someone? I know everyone says they just know, but how do you know, you know?

I guess truly loving someone probably is the same principle as truly hating someone, maybe. I truly hate someone and I guess if people asked me how I knew without telling them the reason I’d probably say, “When you know, you know. You just feel it. I just know.”

Sometimes I sit and wonder if anyone ever thinks it’s weird that I type out “all right” instead of “alright.” Like, do I get judged for that? I don’t really care, I’m just really curious.

If anybody out there has the same liking for really odd music and is feeling like opening a new tab to go listen to something a little different might I suggest “Aesop Rock and Kimya Dawson - Delicate Cycle”
I like that song because I believe everyone’s life is a delicate cycle and because I have a secret love for laundromats.

I am also madly in love with the industrial section of cities. I don’t really know how to describe that any better. Like, the part of any city that has steamy power plants and rusty old slum shacks that appear really greasy on the outside and chain link fenced in areas with razor wire at the top and “DANGER” signs posted up and stuff. I’m still trying to piece together why I love it so much, but I really really do. It might have something to do with me living in the woods for fourteen years, the industrialized parts of cities is pretty much total opposite. I mean, I’d never want to live anywhere near that stuff, but exploring it is so incredible to me I don’t know.

Genuine smiles are some of my favorite goddamn things in existence. This is going to sound super Hallmark but has someone’s smile just made you stop and believe in beautiful things again? We see so much stuff on TV and the newspapers and the internet about someone who raped someone or shot up a school or killed their parents or put kittens in ovens and just hella fucked up shit that makes human beings so disgusting but then there’s someone’s smile that reminds you that some people in the world can be beautiful too. IDK.

I was at this museum recently and I found myself stopped at one of the exhibits that was of a man’s face that had been molded in plaster a few hours after he died. I forget his name now but he died in like 1899 or something and I was just so entranced at this dead human face from so long ago like, that was a real man at one point. A real person with a voice, and feelings, and story and everything. He was around so long before I was even considered being alive and I was still seeing his face. He’s like, a skeleton now and shit. It was kind of a weird experience for me, like seeing some unseen magic in the universe or something. His eyelids were closed and stuff but the mold was so accurate you could see every eyelash he once had and everything and it was just mesmerizing. IDK AGAIN.

There’s something about really old stuff from the early 1900’s and before that puts me in a trance. The little things in history, not the big stuff like the wars and all the political shit that we all learn about in school, but the little stuff. Like old school cash registers and pennies and shoes from way back then that just kind of make me boil with nostalgia even though I was never there.

I swear I am not on drugs.

01.03.13 ♥ 2
You: Bolded and Italicized

Okay, this one isn’t gonna be very funny it’s going to be a little bit personal so whoops.

I was watching Memento on Netflix earlier, and for those of you that haven’t seen it, it’s just about a guy who has short term memory loss and he’s trying to solve a mystery about who killed his wife and the whole movie is played in segments from end to beginning with plot twists. It’s a good one, I would go check it out. It has the Count Mondego in it.
But like, I didn’t want to, but I was thinking about YOU the whole time I was watching it.
I would assume most people would ponder what they would do in a situation like all of a sudden losing your memory and being unable to create new memories after watching such a film.
All I could think about was YOU.
And how if I lost my memory tomorrow YOU would still be in it.
Not by choice, of course, but because YOU have been around long enough for me to have memories of YOU stored in my mind.
Which is kind of weird I guess, but also somehow comforting.
But it’s also sad at the same time because if YOU were to lose your memory tomorrow as well, YOU would not remember me.
I don’t know if I’m okay with that?

I’m okay with it. I just decided.

Who is YOU? Everyone just has to know.
Picture someone, anyone, who was or is very important to you.
Under any circumstance, any person, any bad or good thing, as long as they have some significance to you.
No, of course it doesn’t have to be someone you’re romantically attached to.
It could be.
But it could also be a friend, a hero, a relative, a teacher, a coach, your favorite cashier at the place you always go to get your gas pumped on your way to work, it could be anybody.
That is YOU.
You have someone picked out, don’t you?
It’s okay, I do too.
If you woke up with short term memory loss, would you remember them?
Would you want to remember them?
It’s something to think on.

12.04.12 ♥ 5